WTF?
by DemonicUchihaDaughter
Summary: Naruto forgot to take his Ritalin. Kyuubi's a pothead. Sakura is a raving lunatic. Kakashi's drunk. Sai's, well, Sai. Orochimaru is a child perv. Sasuke's obssessive compulsive. Itachi is confused. Poor Kabuto, it seems he's the only sane one in the bunch
1. 14 hours

**Disclaimer: Naruto isn't mine, as you can probably tell by my writing.**

**A/N: This is just a little piece of bullshit I thought up in my spare time.**

It was today. Just another day. But not any ordinary just-another-day day. It was today. Sasuke sighed and looked up at the clock. 9:02 am. Crap. Only 14 hours, 58 minutes, and 46 seconds left of this. He sighed again and rested his chin on his hands. Only 14 hours, 58 minutes, and 44 seconds left to reminisce about That Day. That not-ordinary-just-any-other-day day. He cringed as wave after wave of flashback struck his brain like a frying pan. The blood. The sharingan gone wrong. His loved ones, dead. And to think, only 14 hours, 58 minutes, and 32 seconds left to recall such _oh so very pleasant_ memories.

Without warning, the door to his room suddenly flew open, unimaginable enthusiasm flooding in.

"Sure, come in. No need to knock," Said an obviously ecstatic Sasuke to his intruder.

"What's that Sasuke-kun?" Yuck. His voice sounded like wet globs of playdo smushing together. He sounded like diarrhea, and had a personality to match.

"Nothing, nothing. What do you want, Snake Bitch?" _14 hours, 58 minutes, 11 seconds._

"Now, now, is that any way to talk to your superiors?"

"Yes. Now what do you want?" The sannin smirked. _My little Sasuke-kun is cute when he's pissed._

"Well. I know you must be having a bad day . . . so . . ." Orochimaru walked towards his favorite little emo student. Standing behind his chair, the snake sannin placed both of his scaly hands on the Uchiha's shoulders. Sasuke could feel the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end. _Oh shit, Diarrhea-sama is touching me!_ " so. . . I thought perhaps . . . I could . . ." Orochimaru leaned in close so that his cheek brushed up against Sasuke's. _Even his breath smells like diarrhea._ " . . . Make the day go by a little faster for you. What do you say, Sasuke-kun?"

* * *

Kabuto walked through the halls of the mansion, carrying in his arms the huge pile of shurikens, kunai, and unsheathed katanas that Orochimaru absolutely _had to have_ immediately. Crap. Why ninja weapons? Why not fluffy pillows, or bottles of anesthetics and painkillers? He winced as another weapon lodged itself in his already shredded arms.

Out of the blue, a shrieking figure went zooming past him so fast that Kabuto lost his balance, sending dangerously sharp, pointy objects flying everywhere. The sound nin fell flat on his ass and stayed there for a couple seconds. Once he got his sanity back, he stood up and went to the door for whence the figure had zoomed. It was Sasuke's room. The shrieking person, whoever it was (it zoomed by too fast for him to see), must have done something to anger the Uchiha and invoke the Sharingan. But upon opening the door, he found a very disappointed looking Orochimaru standing in the middle of the room.

"Who was that screamed like a girl?"

"Sasuke-kun." Kabuto scratched the back of his head in confusion. Sasuke was not one to shriek and run. He usually _caused_ the shrieking and running.

"What the hell happened?"

"Well, Sasuke-kun was having a bad day, so I decided to cheer him up. I came in and—"

"Oh God!" Kabuto threw up his hands and backed up against the wall. "You know what, I REALLY don't want to know anymore."

"What? I just kissed him on the cheek, that's all."

"Oh thank God, I thought for a second that –"

"Then I reached over and touched his appendage," the Snake master said with a devilish grin.

"AHHHHHHHHHH! HELL NO! Do you have to tell me about ALL your 'exploits'? You know what, I'm leaving!"

"I just don't get it. I mean, I gave him power, so why should he refuse me?"

Kabuto had his hand on the doorknob when he remembered why he came here in the first place.

"Orochimaru-sama, I brought the weapons you asked for."

"I asked for those? Oh, well I don't need them. Put them back where you found them."

* * *

A vein on Kabuto's head nearly popped. Crap. He shredded his arms for no reason to bring that load of shit here for no reason, and now he had to take it back. Damn it. The sound nin step out into the hall and started collecting the fallen weapons when the ghost of Kimimaru materialized before.

"Hey, what was all that screaming I heard before?"

"Orochimaru's cheating on you."

"Nani? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

* * *

Sasuke sat on the edge of a lake contemplating suicide. But as long as Itachi was still at large, he had to take his revenge somehow. No, he'd spare his own life for now. Crap. 14 hours, 39 minutes, 02 seconds left. He could never forgive Itachi for what he did. Never. 14 hours, 39 minutes, 01 seconds left. This was going to be a very long no-ordinary-just-any-other-day day.

**What did ya think? Please comment on my insanity. Flames, criticism, w/e floats your boat.**


	2. Ramen Birthday

Disclaimer: Unless I'm mistaken, I don't think I'm Kishimoto-sama 

**A/N: yay, chapter 2! Thnx to those who reviewed . . . you guys get cookies!**

Ramen. Lot's and lot's of Ramen. Ramen as far as the eye can see. Ramen. Naruto nearly jumped out of his pants when he saw it. It was his birthday, and he was making his way over to Ichiraku's for dinner as usual when he saw it. An all-you-can-eat buffet of Ramen set up on the counter, Sakura and Sai already seated.

"Happy birthday Naruto!" cried Sai upon seeing the less-than-intelligent neon yellow clad ninja approaching. "For your birthday, Sakura, Kakashi, and I are treating you to ramen."

"AWESOME!" Naruto instantly leapt on the bowls and practically inhaled the precious delicacy, choking on noodles more than once.

"You know, you could say 'Thank you'"

"What's that Sakura-chan?" Naruto blurted out through the noodles clogging his trachea.

"Oh, nothing."

Suddenly, Kakashi appeared in a puff of smoke beside his three teammates.

"Yo."

"YOUR LATE!!!!" All three shouted at once.

"You thee, realizin' that I wath goin' to be meetin' with you thwee, I dethided I detherved thome sake"

At that, Kakashi, Sakura, and Sai turned their attention to the birthday boy. It was not a pretty site. Noodles were flying everywhere, soup and chunks of meat plastered on the boy's broth-soaked face. Whether it was the over abundance of alcohol in his system, or the site of Naruto eating, Kakashi started to feel noxious. Eventually, flies, realizing the feast this strange orange ninja was providing them, started to swarming around, making an awful buzzy noise. Shino would certainly have enjoyed this.

"You know," said Sakura, pointing her index finger up and closing her eyes in the I'm-so-smarter-than-you-even-though-I'm-a-useless-ninja expression. "Eating too much Ramen is bad for you. _I_ should know. _I'm_ a _medic._"

Several seconds passed and Naruto paused for a second to say something through his mouthful of noodles.

"I know but I love ramen so yesterday I saw an enormous pig but it turned out to be Tsunade from a distance and did you know that shurikens look like stars and why Sand ninjas where veils sometimes but don't when they don't have to but do why is the sky blue? My favorite TV show is Bleach, but if I had my own show it would be way cooler . . . My Internet doesn't work. I like throwing water balloons at old people when they aren't looking and I wish Sasuke was here even though I hate him and he's a teme he's my best friend but he's an arrogant jerk but he's still really awesome when he isn't trying to kill me don't you think Sakura? Ya, he's my best friend but he tried to kill but that's ok 'cause he's my best friend and I like country music but sometimes it can get a little annoying and this chair is really uncomfortable and I hate you Sai cause you're a gay ass bastard and you suck and I hate you and you suck. How old am I today? I forgot."

"You forgot to take your Ritalin® again didn't you?"

"Yup."

"Naruto, how many time do I have to tell you not to . . . GOD DAMN IT NARUTO WHY WON"T YOU LISTEN TO ME? ARRRRRRRRGH!" With that, Sakura punched the unlucky birthday boy and ran out into the street and started screaming and running in circles, punching the occasional onlooker. Naruto resumed eating his precious ramen, and Kakashi stuck his nose back in his perverted book.

"Should we do anything?" asked Sai.

"Na, that's jutht inner Thakura havin' a hithy fit. It'll ware off thoon." Kakashi slurred from behind his orange book. Meanwhile, Sakura continued screaming and running in circles for ten minutes. Eventually, Sai grew bored of watching the spectacle and instead wrapped his arms around Naruto's waist and rested his head on the oblivious boy's shoulder. Twenty minutes passed, and Sakura started foaming at the mouth and finally passed out in the middle of the street.

"Oh, look at the time! I gotta go!" Kakashi tried standing up but instead fell flat on his face. "Actually, I think I'll stay here for a while."

"Naruto, wanna come back to my place?"

"No."

"I got Ramen!"

"Ok"

o0

Back at Sai's apartment, Naruto was snoopy around the kitchen lookinig unsuccessfully for his promised ramen.

"Where's the ramen?"

"Forget about ramen for a second. I got a present for you."

"Is it ramen?'

"Nope" Sai put his index finger on Naruto's chest and pushed him out of the kitchen.

"Is it instant ramen?"

"Nope." Sai then pushed Naruto onto the cough and climbed on top of him. Oh crap. This was not going well. Naruto had the distinct feeling that Sai never intended to give him ramen. His face heated up and heart started pounded. Crap. Not only was he gonna get raped by a pansy artist, but now he wouldn't get any ramen.

"Ramen?"

"Nope."

**Yay! Another piece of bullshit complete! Please review! **


	3. A Fistful of Revenge

**Disclaimer: Uh, yea, don't own Naruto. But I'll own ur ass on the bball court! Man, that was lame.**

**A/N: Sorry about the long delay, but my mind had regressed into a mild form of sanity for a bit there so I was unable to write. Yea.**

OMG, they are like, _so _annoying, my god! Not only are they not here right now, but like, they are like, _late,_ and stuff like that. God, I bet that, like, Kakashi's getting drunk right now, and he's like gonna like rupture his liver. _I _should know. _I'm_ a medic. And, like, Naruto's probably like inhaling like ground up ramen noodles. He's gonna die of malnutrition. _I _should know. _I'm _a medic. Like, I don't like even wanna know what, like, Sai's doing right now and stuff like that, you know?

Such were the obnoxious musings of Sakura _ the medic _as she stood at the training grounds waiting for her teammates to show up. Kakashi not being there was understandable, but Naruto and Sai being late? Then again, she _did_ arrive 15 minutes early . . .

Out of the forest to her left, a very dejected looking Naruto came wandering towards her from amongst the trees, his head hung low.

"YO, Naruto, how _dare_ you be later than me?? How DARE YOU! I should KILL YOU damn it!" screamed Sakura, waving a very ominous, very large fist in his in his face.

"Sakura, I'm sad."

"Sad? You should be SCARED damnit! Why are you sad Naruto?"

"Well first, Sai never gave me any ramen. Second . . ." Naruto whispered the rest into Sakura's ear.

"NANI??????????????"

* * *

Sai showed up right on time, which, in Sakura's book, was fifteen minutes late. Unfortunately for him, the artist had no idea what was in store for him.

He walked out into the training grounds, only to find his face greeted with a very painful fist. Sai went flying backwards feet into the air, crashing into a tree and breaking the poor plant in two.

Eventually, his vision began to clear,, and revealed an obviously pissed girl standing before him with her hands on her hips. _Too bad that's not Brad Pitt._

"Do you know why I hit you, Sai?" the afore-mentioned girl said in a deceptively calm tone.

"No."

"Let me get one thing straight. One, and ONLY one person can pick on poor Naruto. And that's me. Got it?"

"Yea"

"Good. I'll let you off for now." And with that, she walked off towards a cheering Naruto holding up a sign with the number ten on it. Half way towards her perceived destination, however, something snapped.

"I"LL KILLLLLLLLLLLL YOUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!! ROAR! ARGHHHHH!"

"OMFG, it's Inner Sakura! Everbody run!"

"ARGHHHHH!"

Sakura then proceeded to beat the shit out of Sai. After a couple minutes of pounding an already pulpified body into glue, the psychotic maniac started foaming at the mouth and passed out. Again.

* * *

In a puff of smoke, Kakashi appeared on a tree branch at the scene.

"Yo!"

"YOU'RE LATE!" screamed Naruto from his hiding place and a half-dead Sai.

" Oh yea, well I . . . uh . . . I found a bottle of tequila and a Icha Icha book on the floor. Of course, they were attached to a fishing line, and . . . "

"Lies!"

"Yea, yea, whatever. Sakura had her fit-of-the-day already?"

"Yup"

"Oh. In that case, you two go start the grueling, excruciating training while I sit back, sip my sake, and enjoy the spectacle."

Sai started running laps, hoping that if Sakura woke up anytime soon he would have a head start in running. Naruto, however, didn't budge.

"What do you want?"  
"Ramen."  
"No."

"Ramen."

"No."

"Ramen."

"NO!"

"Just pretend there's a bowl of ramen with legs running laps! Yeesh!"

"RAMEN!!!" With that, Naruto took off at near the speed of light.

**Yay! Chapter 3 is up, biotches! Cookies to all who review:) **


	4. The Joys of Cleaning

****

Disclaimer: Yea. I will beat you to a pulp if you sue, 'cuz I don't own ur cruddy manga Kishimoto! Yeesh, get off my back!

**A/N: Warning, you are about to loose brain cells. YAY!**

Twenty minutes later, a hungry-looking Naruto, a half-dead Sai, and a passed-out Sakura were waiting in the Hokage's office for Kakashi's arrival, who, even though he had been with the crew only minutes before, somehow managed to be late. Again.

In a puff of smoke, Kakashi appeared in the office, looking even more drunk than usual and, um, satisfied. Yea, that's it, _satisfied_.

"What the hell, Kakashi?" Screamed the squeaky, shrieking noise (a cross between a chicken being drowned under water and a vampire sharpening its fangs on a chalkboard) that was apparently Naruto's voice. "You were walking with us here! WALKING WITH US!"

"Yea, well the book store had a new copy of Icha Icha Parathla."

"You mean Icha Icha Paradise?"  
"Yea, Paragla. Anyway, I just couldn't let this waste go to opportunity, so –"

"LIES!" Shrieked Naruto again.

"Actual, Naruto, I don't think he's lying this time," said Sai, pointing towards Kakashi's . . . evidence of, um, his satisfaction.

"AW CRAP! I forgot to wipe again!" yowled Kakashi, turning around to hide the evidence. "So Tsunade-sama, what did you bring us here for," he questioned with his back toward her.

The Hokage, who had been at this point standing tiptoe on the back of her chair with a handkerchief held to her nose, finally noticed the others and started talking.

"Oh great. You guys. Fantastic. As if my day wasn't wonderful enough already, now I get to enjoy _your _company. An idiot, a drunk, a slobbering maniac, and an emo child rapist. Oh, zippity doo dah deh! I have a mission for you all, a very important, very – Sakura, stop drooling on the rug!"

The said girl gurgled a little, foam from her previous mental breakdown spilling onto the expensive, one-of-a-kind, silk, embedded with diamonds, hand-made, Persian rug.

"Um, I don't think she can hear you, Tsunade-sama," pointed out Sai.

"Ugh, whatever, I'll just clean that up later," She said through her handkerchief, spraying Lysol disinfectant randomly into the air. (Btw, Lysol sux, don't buy. Smells like crap, and gives you lung cancer. Muahahaha, no free advertising for you!) "Like I was saying, this mission is very important and very dangerous."

"What is it?" asked Naruto, who had remembered to take his Ritalin that day and was (amazingly) paying attention. Sort of. In between dreams of ramen, that is. I guess. Or perhaps he was just asking what flavor of ramen his jacket smelled like today. That's probably more likely.

"You four are going to bring back Uchiha Sasuke."  
"SASUKE-KUN!!!!!!!" With that, Sakura leapt off the floor, slammed into the ceiling, leaving a nasty looking crack in the wood, and commenced running around the room shrieking "SASUKE-KUN SASUKE-KUN" in endless circles, spraying foam and saliva everywhere. At one point, Sakura's rampage brought her too close to the Hokage's desk for Tsunade's comfort, and the Sannin fell backwards off her perch atop the chair shrieking and spraying disinfectant everywhere. After several minutes of this, Sakura finally passed out on the floor, drooling more than ever and bleeding quite profusely from her nose onto the carpet.

"OH MY GOD TSUNADE-SAMA!" cried Shizune, running to her beloved Hokage's aid. "My dear Tsunade-sama, are you alright? Oh God, answer me! She's not answering me! Tsunade-sama, don't leave me please! Don't die now, I don't know what I'd do without you!"

"Shizune –"

"Oh, Kami-sama, why must the good die young?"

"Shizune—"

"Oh, that awful girl, why, why?"

"Shizune—"

"My precious Tsunade-sama, why?"  
"SHIZUNE! I'M FINE!"

Shizune stopped mourning for a moment, looking truly bewildered. Then, without warning, she crushed Tsunade in a tight, relentless bear hug, more tears streaming down her face.

"Oh, Tsunade-sama, I knew you'd be alright! I was so worried!"  
"Shizune, get the fuck off me before I kill you. How the hell am I supposed to breath with you straddling me like that?" Tsunade shoved her apprentice off with very little grace and reclaimed her stance standing tiptoe on the chair. She spent the next couple of minutes spraying herself and her handkerchief with Lysol and making sure that everything around her was covered with an inch-thick layer of disinfectant. When she was done, she covered her nose and mouth with the kerchief and tossed the bottle to her apprentice.

"Shizune, get me more Lysol, this one is out." She turned towards the team in front of her, but when Shizune didn't move from the spot where she was standing with that creepy smile on her face, she turned back towards her.

"What?"

"Tsunade-sama."  
"What?"

"I love you." A moment of awkward silence ensued.

"That's nice. Go get me more disinfectant."

Shizune giggled and ran out the door. Tsunade then turned again towards her guests to say what she had to say.

"This mission is to find _You-know-who_ and drag his sorry ass back to Konoha. You bunch of idiots will probably fail and all die in the process, but it has to be done."

"Tsundae-sama," asked Kakashi, "Why exactly do we have to save . . ._ you-know-who_? I mean, he left on his own and betrayed the village. He's now an S-class rogue ninja and lives with an enemy of Konoha, so shouldn't he be assassinated."

"No, we have to save him and completely forgive him of his betrayal."

"Why?"  
"Don't question me! That's the way it is! If you're going to complain, complain to Kishimoto, not me!"

"And why are you sending us for this mission."

"Well, I _could _send a competent group of ANBU to capture a highly dangerous, murderous, S-class criminal who has an alliance with the Legendary Snake Sannin and an entire village of bloodthirsty sound nin, but _noooooooooooo, _I have to send you guys! Ugh, damn you Kishimoto!"

Shizune returned from her Lysol escapades and kneeled before Tsunade offering her the bottle in much the same way one would offer a king his crown (or a queen, you misogynistic bastards) at a coronation.

"Thanks, you little freak." She picked up a scroll off the desk and sprayed it with a liberal coating of Lysol while she talked. "Because I can't stand you guy's presence and because I hate you and don't want to be around you any more than I have to, instead of telling you the whole scoop on this mission and answering any questions, I'm gonna leave you with this vague scroll outlining the vague guidelines of this vague mission."

Kakashi took a step forward to retrieve the scroll, but before he could take another breath, Shizune leapt in front of him and unleashed a barraged of needles on his drunken body.

"Stay away from my Tsunade-sama!"

"OW, dude, what the hell? That kinda stings a little you know! Jeez, it feels like a pinprick! God!"

"Shizune, what did I tell you about stabbing people with needles?"  
"Sorry Tsunade-sama."

Tsunade successfully handed Kakashi the scroll, who looked rather like a pincushion now, but not before spraying him in the eye with Lysol.

"Good luck, get the fuck out of here, and I hope you all die!"

* * *

All the way off in the Sound Village, a very pissed off Sasuke sneezed yet again, spraying nose-shit and boogers all over Kabuto. Poor Kabuto, now soaked head-to-foot in snot, handed Sasuke a tissue.

"Thanks." He said with a sniffle. He was huddled up on his bed with a blanket, by Orochimaru's orders. Also by the Snake-bastard's orders, Sasuke had to be topless, and have an over-sized thermometer in his mouth at all times. Thankfully, Kabuto managed to convince him that thermometers do NOT work better when stuck in the ass.

"That cold of yours is pretty bad."

"Its not a freaking cold. It's just sneezing. I don't have a sore throat, a headache, fever, chills, nothing. I just can't stop sneezing damnit!

"Ah, no wonder!" exclaimed Kabuto, "You must be allergic to dust! The rest of you room is spotless and squeaky clean, why do have so much dust on this one shelf?"

Kabuto took out a rag and was about to clean up the dust when he was violently slammed aside and crashed into the wall, banging his head.

"NO TOUCHY!!!!!!!!!!" Sasuke screeched, as he started poking at the dust particles on the shelf.

"What the hell?"

"This is my dust collection. I've arranged the particles precisely in alphabetical order first by size, then color, and substance, and you wrecked it!"

"Why do you have a dust collection? Especially when you're allergic?"

"The day after my clan's murder I returned to the house and collected as many pieces of dust as could fit in a tin can I found for remembrance. And I'm not allergic. Uchiha's aren't allergic to anything, it's part of our Kekkai Genkai."

"Then why do you keep sneezing?"

"It's 'cuz those damn Konoha fuckers won't stop talking about me!"

Sasuke fumed at the thought of those bastards. It was always "Sasuke this" or "Sasuke that." He didn't ask for much, just to be left alone and for god-like powers so he could kill his brother. But they never stopped bothering him, even when he betrayed them!

"_Sasuke-teme, you can't go to Orochimaru! I won't let you! I'm gonna drag you back to Konoha even if I have break your bones!" Naruto snarled.  
_

"_Oh really, Naruto? Why? Why should I care about you or anyone else in Konoha? From this day forth, I am no longer a leaf shinobi."_

"_Because even though I said I hated you all my life and called you teme all the time, and even though you beat the shit out of me every chance you get, you are my best friend and I care about you and I have secretly always wanted you inside of me!"_

_Sasuke dropped his fighting stance for a second, his eyebrow twitching uncontrollably._

"_You didn't just say what I thought you said, did you?"_

"_What?"  
"You know, the, uh . . ."_

"_What, you mean that I want you inside of me?"_

"_. . . "_

"_What?"_

"_I'm going to kill you now."_

Sasuke shivered as the flashback passed away, and fought hard not to vomit.

Kabuto sat down on a chest on the floor and before he could rub his now aching head, he was yet again thrown aside.

"You messed my head collection!" Sasuke opened the chest and started rearranging the severed heads he stored in there.

"Have you considered therapy? You seem to have a lot of problems."

"I told you, it's those damn Konoha fuckers! They're crazy, every single last fucking one of them. They drove me mad. That's why I left, not because Diarrhea-sama offered me power. Oh crap, now my hair is messed up."

He moved to the mirror and replaced a single strand of hair. He immediately sneezed again, which caused his hair to explode into a mess of tangles.

Nine times today. NINE! Nine times their relentless talking about him made him sneeze. And now his hair was even more screwed. All he ever wanted to be ignored for once. He spotted his katana lying unsheathed on his, its sharp and deadly blade looking quite friendly. No, he wouldn't die, not until Itachi was dead as well.

**A/N: So, how many brain cells did you loose today? Review or I will eat your face. Mmmm, faces! Anyway, for those of you that don't know, in Japanese culture, when you sneeze it means someone is talking about you.**


	5. The Dramatic, PissYourPants Conclusion

**Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue, I hate you all.**

**A/N: The dramatic climax! The emotional, riveting, exhilarating ending to this tale of epic proportions! Be warned, you will piss your pants with excitement!**

Sasuke awoke in bed to the oh-so-lovely sound of a heart monitor beeping away.

"Ugh, crap. I feel like somebody smacked my brain with a red-hot frying pan. What the hell happened?"

Kabuto looked up from his computer.

"You passed out during training," said Kabuto, "after a particularly bad sneezing attack. 356 straight times! A new record. You actually sneezed out half your brain, which I luckily was able to surgically shove back up your nose."

"Thanks I guess," Sasuke inspected his surroundings to make sure there was a knife handy in case he couldn't bear living anymore when a sudden realization struck him. "Um, why the hell am I naked?"

"Orochimaru. . ."

Sasuke grabbed the nearest paper bag and promptly vomited into it.

"WHAT THE HELL DID HE DO TO ME?!"

"Nothing, nothing, don't worry. Get dressed before he comes back."

Kakashi, Naruto, Sai, and Sakura were walking through the woods searching for Sasuke. They had absolutely no idea where to start, because no one knew where the sound village was, and simply chose a forest to look through. Of course, miraculously, it was the forest that housed the Sound. Funny how it always works out, huh?

Suddenly, Sakura paused and sniffed the air.

"What is it, Sakura?" Slurred Kakashi.

"Sasuke-kun is that way," she responded, pointing off to the left.

"How do you know?"

"The power of love guides me. Besides, _I_ should know. _I'm_ a medic."

After 30 fruitful minutes of wandering aimlessly through the woods under Sakura's guidance, Sai slapped his forehead and laughed.

"Why didn't I just use my man-seeking powers?"

"What?" Naruto asked.

"My man-seeking powers. I can smell hot guys miles away."

"How do you even know what Sasuke smells like?" Naruto yet again questioned.

"Remember that time Konohamaru transformed into an image of me and Sasuke . . ." Both Sai and Sakura (and Naruto too, though he would never admit it) spaced out for a moment, drooling slightly and bleeding through the nose. "Anyway, Sasuke's in the opposite direction."

So, the four sorry creatures headed off again, when another logical question miraculously pushed its way through the tempest of pretty colors, floating ramen bowls, fantasies of hokage, and general garbuldy-goop that is Naruto's mind.

"Wait, I still don't get how you know what he smells like. Konohamaru only transformed into his image. Unless –"

"—he practiced," said Kakashi, "for hours in front of the mirror. That is the only way to perfect a jutsu to such a degree that even the smell of the person is accurate."

"OMG, I'VE CREATED A GAY MONSTER!" shrieked Naruto's high pitched, grating voice.

Sai sighed, and said, "What's wrong with gay people?"

"Well Sai, Naruto and I hate you because we are insecure with our masculinity and feel threatened by you and, for some bizarrely irrational reason, feel as though the presence of a homosexual may make others think that we too are gay," slurred Kakashi, quite matter-of-factly.

"That's ridiculus. Only latent gays are threatened by gays. Oh, burn!" jeered Sakura, who high-fived Sai and continued walking.

Many hours later (for I enjoy torturing my characters with each other's presence), the artist, the drunk, the _medic_, and the idiot wearing a bright, neon-orange jumpsuit in the middle of a dark green and brown forest arrived at an old tree stump with a whole in it.

"He's in there," said Sai.

"Wow, Orochimaru must have been on crack when he designed this place. Oooo, I hope he still has some!" squealed Kakashi at the prospect of free illegal contraband. That was redundant.

"I'm coming Sasuke my love!" Sakura bellowed into the tree stump. "Don't worry my precious, your sweet angel of passion and romance has come to rescue her knight in shining armor! Your sweet angel is here at last, Sasuke, and finally we can be together!" Sakura was about to jump down the hole when a faint "_achoo"_ echoed through the tree stump, followed moments later be a massive explosion.

Fire and rocks flew through the air, creating an impenetrable cloud of boiling hot dust and toxic chemicals, which, of course, nobody died from.

Sasuke's voice roared through the air, sending fear into the hearts of all.

"WHAT THE HELL? I mean, COME ON!! All I have EVER asked for is for you crazy bastards to LEAVE ME ALONE, but _nooooooo_! After I severed all my bonds and nearly _killed_ Naruto, you guys come all the way out here expecting me to 'care' about you, to be your 'friend'. Well, you know what? I don't give a flying fuck!"

The dust slowly settled, revealing Sasuke, Kabuto, and Orochimaru standing on the other side of a huge trench. Shock was written on the faces of team seven, and Naruto's eyes welled up with tears. He broke out into choking, hiccupping sobs, snot running down his face. You know, the way annoying little brats cwy when they get only tirty-two pwesents as opposed to the usual tirty-twee for der birfday.

Sai unsheathed his sword, pointed it at Sasuke (for whatever reason), and began the speech he had been preparing for months.

"It is true. My top-secret mission was indeed the assassination of Sasuke. But those orders don't matter anymore. Because of Naruto, I feel like I might be able to remember how I used to feel. There's a reason why Naruto and Sakura chase after you with so much passion: in order to prevent the bonds with you from breaking. Plus, I saw a picture of you in my bingo book and I must have you."

Sasuke's expression hardened into any icy cold expression of death as he stared with pure, unadulterated loathing at the four obnoxious cretans on the opposite side of the pit. Quite delighting in the hatred radiating from his little pupil's delicious body, Orchimaru cackled his sick little cackle.

"Kukuku! (by the way, what kind of a laugh is kukuku?)" said he, "how sweet! I would let you five reminisce about the past in Konoha, but I'm afraid – "

"Oh, shut up Diarrhea-teme!" howled Sasuke. Orchimaru was taken aback; no one had ever raised they're voice to him in such a manner, much less called him such a terrible name as _Diarrhea-teme_. Sure, Sasuke had said mean things, but until now Orochimaru had always assumed that he was just joking. Fighting back the tears welling in his eyes, Orochimaru opened his mouth to retort. Before a single breath could escape his pale, clammy lips, Sasuke turned his head, oh so slowly, to reveal to fierce, piercing sharingan eyes.

Suddenly, Orochimaru found himself standing alone on a mountain. The sky began to change colors, fading into red. Out of nowhere, a giant mallet smacked him and sent him flying. He flew, and flew, and flew. For hours, he just kept souring through the air, with no end in sight, After exactly 14 hours, 58 minutes, and 46 seconds of this, Orochimaru crashed into the Great Wall of China and fell. His broken body fell, and fell, and fell for like, a kajillion miles or whatever. He finally crunched into the jagged rocks below, his bones shattered, flesh torn and bleeding, and organs hanging out of his body. Tehe!

He blinked and found himself sitting at a café table with a cup of coffee before him. Orochimaru, shaken and trembling quite badly, picked up the cup of coffee and tried not to attract attention. His trembling hand caused the coffee to spill, and the fallen liquid formed words on the table. "Fulfill the Prophecy!" (In case you didn't get that, that was a Serial Experiments Lain reference. Very good anime. Almost as insane as I am).

In his terror Orochimaru ran to the bathroom to hide. Once the door closed behind him, a voice echoed from out in the hall.

"Hello? Is anyone there?" No answer. Orochimaru opened the door just a creak and looked out with one eye.

"Hello?" No answer. Tentatively, he stepped out in the hallway and called again, and, yet again, there was no answer. Satisfied that no one was following him, Orochimaru turned around, only to find a wall where the door had been. Blood started to poor from the ceiling and formed the words "Fulfill the Prophecy!" (Another Lain reference. WATCH OR DIE!)

Orochimaru fled from the café shrieking and crying. After a while, he noticed that he was in Konoha, but not the Konoha of the present, but rather of 50 years ago. Terrified, he ran into the first building he recognized.

To his supreme horror, he remembered that the building was the summer home of the 3rd Hokage. _The root of all my evil ways._ He walked down the hall and saw a young, child-version of himself. He remembered this day. His mother had sent him to give a basket of freshly baked cookies to the Hokage, for he was supposedly sick. The young snake-boy walked into the Hokage's bedroom, beaming with pride at his successful cookie-delivery mission.

"Come closer, dear boy" croaked the Hokage in a sickly sweet voice. Little Orochimaru stepped closer and he was snatched up by the old man's wrinkly, decrepit hands, and Orochimaru was forced to relive the terrible memories as they happened to his younger self.

The genjutsu ended, and Orochimaru uttered a long, drawn out cry. Tears were pouring down his face. The Snake Freak sat down, wrapped his arms around his legs, and rocked back and forth.

"Tsukiyomi?" Asked a bewildered Kabuto.

"No, Tsukiyomi is Itachi's jutsu. Besides, It requires the mangekyou." Replied Sasuke. "I call this Mindrape-no-jutsu!"

"His sharingan is too powerful!" Shouted Sai, "Kakashi, you are the only able to handle it! You have the sharingan!"

Kakashi, wide-eyed, was staring inordinately intently at Sai's sleeve.

"Kakashi?"

Kakashi reached out his hand and touched the fascinating sleeve ever-so-lightly with his fingertips.

"Wow, the fabric of your sleeve is so . . . so . . . _sleevy_!"

"Kakashi, did you get into Orochimaru's secret drug stash?"

"No."

"Does that mean yes?"

"YES! OMG, you're a genius! How did you read your mind like that?" Kakashi fell over backwards and contented himself with contemplating the sky.

Unable to bare the waiting, Sakura suddenly leapt across the trench, pinning Sasuke to the ground.

"I LOVE YOU SEXY-KUN!" She bellowed through the cascade of blood pouring down her nose.

"Get off me, you're messing up my hair and my clothes!"

"Dog pile on Sasuke!" screamed Sai, and soon he, Karin who appeared out of nowhere, the very high Kakashi, and, though he would never admit it, Naruto leapt upon the poor boy, crushing the living daylights out of him. Understandably angered (and unable to breath), Sasuke electrocuted the lot of them, killing them all, as the laws of physics dictate should happen to electrocuted life-forms.

So they were all dead except for Sasuke, Kabuto, and Orochimaru, whose mind was broken anyway. Sasuke turned around to return back to his lair to brood about the death of his beloved family, when suddenly he heard a noise.

This noise was uttered from Naruto's throat. Slowly, red, bubbly chakra poured out of his body, healing him and surrounding him. By the way, has anyone ever been terrified by bubbly suds? Have you ever looked at soapy water and said "Wow, how utterly terrifying"? No! What's more, why would anyone make a freaking demon look like Gaara's demon? Seriously, he's not terrifying! He just looks like an obese puppy whose been constipated for the last three weeks. Gosh!

Gradually, the red chakra enveloping Naruto's body took form, becoming opaque and fox-like. A bone shattering roar erupted from the demon's throat, shaking the very ground below their feet. Sasuke unsheathed his katana and assumed battle stance.

"So, kyuubi, we meet again!"

"Yea, whatevs"

Slightly confused by the demon's nonchalant response, Sasuke lowered his guard a little.

"Dude," continued the afore mentioned fox demon, "You just, gotta be like cool, you know? Just be cool. Let the coolness get into our vertebrae!"

The kyuubi then lay down on the grass, babbling more nonsense about "coolness" and other supposedly philosophical topics. Without warning, the Kyuubi stood up and embraced Kabuto in ferocious bear-hug, his fur reeking of marijuana. He then feel asleep.

Kabuto couldn't take it anymore. Kakashi a drunk? Naruto with ADHD? Sakura a raving lunatic? Orochimaru and Sai child rapists? Sasuke's obsessive compulsion? The Kyuubi a pot-head? It was all too much for him. Who knew what other crazies lived in Konoha? Kabuto could feel the insanity pressing down on his mind, crushing him, killing him. He couldn't stand against the pressure. Suddenly, something snapped. Kabuto sat down. All the thoughts left his mind, replaced by one single thought: grass is amazing! He poked a blade of grass, and he poked it and poked it and poked it some more. Kabuto would die three days later of thirst still poking the grass.

Whilst Kabuto was poking the innocent blade of grass, Sasuke had left in search of Itachi. Unlike Team 7, he had some idea of where he was going. He knew Akatsuki could always be found in massive cave dug into mountains, and that Itachi would be somewhere near by. He made his way towards the closest such cave.

Eight days of walking, Sasuke finally reached the entrance of the cave to find his most hated brother standing alone.

"Hello Sasuke"

"Hello most hated brother"

Sasuke leapt towards him, slashing at Itachi with his electric katana. Itachi dodged just enough to avoid being decapitated, but received a gash on his shoulder. Itachi then lounged forward with a kunai, but Sasuke managed to block it with his armguard. Seeing an opening, Sasuke plunged his katana into Itachi's right thigh. Itachi fell backwards, and Sasuke raised his weapon to deal the final blow.

"Wait Sasuke!" Sasuke conveniently paused a second to hear what the murderer of family had to say. Don't ask why.

"Little brother, there is something I have to tell you. I want your eyes."

"What?"

"Excuse me, did I say eyes? I meant I want your body. Will you make love to me?"

Sasuke paused for a minute pondering his options then made his decision.

"Sure, whatever."

He grabbed his older brother by the collar and slammed him against a tree. They then kissed ferociously, tearing at each other's clothes . . .

In the real world, a certain demonicbunnymaster sat typing at her computer. She reached the part in her story when two characters commit gay incest. Gradually, it came to her attention that it was becoming more difficult to breath. She touched her nose and looked at the liquid on her hand,

"Huh," she commented, vaguely interested in her finding, "nose bleed."

**A/N: comment or I'lll go on a murderous rampage!**


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